We are a sub culture and alternative humour website, trying to better understand life through whimsical japery and rapier wit. We discuss news, media, and weird stuff; all key parts of the essential mental diet. Visit our sister sites in the above links for more from us but on such spheres as music, football and the Daily Sport. Feel free to ask us anything. We don't bite......hard..... We don't re-blog. All work here is our own......bitches.

Daily Mail: It’s like investigative journalism, but on a whole new level!

Taken from: Girl next door no more: Coyote Ugly star Piper Perabo is virtually unrecognisable on the red carpet

She made her name as the fresh-faced small-town girl in hit film Coyote Ugly back in 2000.

But these days Piper Perabo is sporting quite a different look.

The 34-year-old appeared at an event in New York on Monday for the USA network looking practically unrecognisable.

The photo in question:

Now, i’m no expert at this, erm, cosmetics stuff. However, is it just me or does she look EXACTLY THE SAME in both photos?

Photo A: Make up, dress, smile

Photo B: No Make up, Jeans, moody

I mean, it’s hardly extreme make-over now is it.

I might do my hair all fancy tomorrow and try and get an exclusive on The Daily Mail website. It could be the start my modeling career needs!


TV Review: Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night (aka society is f**ked)

For more hilarious looks at the weeks’ TV, checking out mine and others’ work at Shouting at Cows. It really is the best non-porn website out there.


I’m into sadomasochism, which is why I watch Channel 4. The crushing pain I feel every time I flick over to its quality programming and wonder ‘How the hell did this get commissioned?’, really puts a smile on my face. But if there’s one thing I enjoy more than Channel 4, it is the comedic talents of Christopher David Moyles. When I heard the two were coming together, I knew I was in for a treat akin to when Margaret Thatcher decided she’d treat the residents of northern English towns to a few decades off work. And did they thank her? Did they hell!

Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night is a celebrity schmooze-fest of epic proportions where ‘the contestants test their knowledge as they take part in all rounds of the quiz and face a specialist question in an area of their own expertise’. It’s like a pub quiz, but instead of beer coming out of the pumps, it’s vomit. And instead of music in the jukebox, it’s vomit. And instead of a dartboard, it’s vomit.

Tonight’s contestants include Jimmy ‘him off the telly’ Carr, Holly ‘her with the tits off This Morning’ Willoughby and Gavin ‘……………….’ Henson. Jimmy Carr describes Henson as ‘looks like an Easy Jet advert’ which is actually quite funny, but the problem with any Jimmy Carr joke is that it has to be prefaced by the fact that you know a mother-in-law gag is always lurking on the horizon. Gavin and Holly do their best ‘aren’t we thick?’ acts, with Chris and Jimmy exercising their rapier wit at every opportunity.

Questions include ‘guess who David Tennant is doing an impression of’ and ‘who is the sexiest politician’. Moylesy uses this TV slot to display his comedic creativity with an utterly appalling sketch entitled ‘Northerners’; a parody of Twilight – but replacing vampires with, well, northerners. In place of the bloodsucking and rituals, the protagonist -played by Moyles – eats a kebab, calls someone a ‘twat’ and speaks in a funny accent.

The show resembles a ‘Chris Moyles variety hour’ with comedy, singing and dancing. He is shit at all of them. They have banter about waxing and what a ‘back, sack and crack is’, and Chris does an impression of a This Morning introduction. Surprise surprise! – it’s pants.

Gavin Henson isn’t considered particularly smart by the panel, so to counteract this, most of his screentime is spent either looking at naked photos of himself or running on a treadmill in the shape of a vinyl disk. ‘Cos he’s buff, innit. One must assume he’s been told to put joke answers down and to play up to this image, as for the question;

‘What are vampires scared of?”

He answered;

‘Rain’

For;

‘If a carnivore eats meat and a herbivore eats plants, who eats both?

his answer;

‘Humans’,

and for:

‘What is the technical term for a bunch of bananas?’

he said

‘I dunno, I just put fingers’

as in ‘a fingers of bananas’. A fingers of bananas?

Holly Willoughby has what are known in some circles as ‘tits’, and Moylesy clearly likes this fact, as her time on screen is spent talking about sex and sex toys, and alongside a video of her eating a banana in a very suggestive way. Jimmy follows this bit of VT with ‘In this day and age, a woman should be able to suck off a banana without fear of innuendo……my mother-in-law does it all the time!’ (I may have made this last bit up).

I’m not trying to sound like a Debbie-downer [ED: I’ve never heard of Debbie-downer before. Maybe she knows Cautious Carol off of the Apprentice] and I know it’s very easy to find faults in something, but so much of this show is depressing. Most importantly, the horrendously lazy production. I mean, Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night? Really? Is the best we can come up with for PRIMETIME TV? You could draw up a template of shows like this, of which 500 could be produced:

Nothing too complicated. Get a good looking girl dressed up for the male viewers, get some muscle bound chap for the ladies, and we’ll get two lads to rip the piss out him and bang on about her cans. Insert them into a quiz/gameshow scenario. Make sure the lookers are proper thick. They are on the show to be looked at and laughed at. The presenter needs to be someone who would be described as a ‘geezer’ or ‘lad’. Preferably a non-threatening looking, rotund gentlemen with a strong interest in football and a history of non-pc outbursts. Someone who wouldn’t look out of place on the Top Gear sofa. James Corden would be default choice, but if busy, try Moyles. 4th person must be a slightly bookish, foppy gentleman who is a ubiquitous presence on TV so the mainstream crowd would have heard of him. Maybe had a column in Nuts magazine under the heading ‘Ask the Prof’. His jokes must also have a slightly repulsive sexual element to them. Imagine a combination of Stephen Fry and Quagmire from Family Guy.

But one really frustrating aspect of the show is the personalities on it. I think I’ve seen Jimmy Carr more often this year than my family. He is on everything. Is he that much of a bankable asset? Then there’s Chris Moyles. The guy is a radio DJ that made his name making fat gags and swearing at people. So now he’s getting gigs doing sketch comedy? When is he starting his nationwide stand-up tour? Is this how it works now, radio being the precursor to comedy? Am I going to see Steve Lamacq’s World Cup Windups and Mayo and Kermode do Sellers and Moore in the coming year? I doubt it.

Thinking about it, I could have just watched something else……

The kind people, have a wonderful dream; Margaret on the guillotine.

Morrissey - Margaret on the Guillotine

(The Genius of Morrissey - Part 5)

Breakthrough artist of the year?

London producer James Blake sails into Sound Of 2011’s shortlist at the forefront of the emerging post-dubstep sub genre of UK club music. The Deptford based artist started singing and studying piano at the age of six, a tutorage which eventually led to Blake’s attendance of Goldsmiths University to study Popular Music. Early listening came in the form of his parent’s classical and jazz collections, in addition to US Soul and R ‘n’ B from the likes of Stevie Wonder, D’Angelo and Sly & The Family Stone. Blake’s love of electronic music came much later when the artist discovered dubstep duo Digital Mystikz a few months prior to his Goldsmiths enrolment.

I make no secret of the fact that I think James Blake is awesome. With a number of fantastic EPs released this year and an scheduled album for next year, it’s good to see his music get recognition.

- track is CMYK

danielleabelle:

Henry you make me happy here.


Rollins. Just keepin’ it real.

danielleabelle:

Henry you make me happy here.

Rollins. Just keepin’ it real.

5 reasons why I wish I was still in Australia…….

  • Artist: Anti-Flag
  • TrackName: Sodom, Gomorrah, Washington D.C. (Sheep In Shepherds Clothing)
  • Album: The People Or The Gun

In the spirit of all things government are a bit shit, aren’t they;

Have some Anti-Flag.

NEWS: Fecal matter hits the freestanding airflow device (07/12)

With Tumblr down for 24 hours, I spent the time like every other user on here, quivering like a dribbling mess in the corner of my bedroom. No not really, I actually went to talk to real people, but luckily it’s back now so I don’t have to bother with that dated form of communication any longer……

…While it was down the shit hit the fan concerning the Wikileaks saga. Firstly, Assange released reports detailing vulnerable and important sites for UK/US security. This turned out to be a highly divisive issue, with a number of Assange supporters being against the decision. The issue was that it didn’t seem to prove a lot other than highlighting a number of places which would hurt The US/Britain if attacked. The problem Assange has here is that he has to be careful which cables he releases. Movements like this require media and public support, and if the public turn against you, it will reinforcing the government’s position on secrecy. This, for me, is a vital movement, and will lead to a future transparency in politics. But it requires public support. Furthermore, the leaks needs to move away from tittle-tattle like the 'Prince Andrew being considered rude' story, and centre around the themes of corruption and secrecy. Cables such as ‘Saudi Arabia urging the US to attack Iran’ invoke strong public reaction, and with it comes pressure on the government.

Wikileaks was started originally as a reaction to how diluted news had become, being nothing more than rolling opinion pieces and bowing to the pressure of wealthy sponsors. Regardless of what happens now, Assange has surely given news the wake-up call it required, and should be undoubtedly commended for that.

The second Assange story was from today, when he handed himself into police. He is charged with rape, and Assange is fighting both the charge (claiming it was consensual sex) and the extradition (presumably because he doesn’t believe he can get a fair trial). Assange’s lawyer and spokesperson have confirm that they will continue to release stories.

The rape allegations are clearly very suspicious, for 2 reasons; firstly, the co-incidence that the extradition for Assange came straight after Wikileaks began to print US cables, and secondly, the nature of the charge itself. According Melbourne barrister James D. Catlin (who acted for Assange in October):

Apparently having consensual sex in Sweden without a condom is punishable by a term of imprisonment of a minimum of two years for rape. That is the basis for a reinstitution of rape charges against WikiLeaks figurehead Julian Assange that is destined to make Sweden and its justice system the laughing stock of the world and dramatically damage its reputation as a model of modernity….

Sweden’s Public Prosecutor’s Office was embarrassed in August this year when it leaked to the media that it was seeking to arrest Assange for rape, then on the same day withdrew the arrest warrant because in its own words there was “no evidence”. The damage to Assange’s reputation is incalculable. More than three quarters of internet references to his name refer to rape. Now, three months on and three prosecutors later, the Swedes seem to be clear on their basis to proceed. Consensual sex that started out with a condom ended up without one, ergo, the sex was not consensual

Despite the dubious nature of the allegations itself, this also raises concerns about Western hierocracy. We are very quick to deride and lambast Muslim cultures for their views on bigamy and adultery, but because Western governments want this man silenced for a - quite honestly - absurd Swedish law, then all of a sudden our principles of freedom and liberty seem to go out the window.

Despite my opinion, others don’t necessarily agree. Fox News regained their usual dignified neutrality, with such gambits as:

Bill O’Reilly

"Leakers are traitors who should be executed or put in prison for life"

Sarah Palin

"Target WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange like the Taliban"

Glenn Beck

"Assange should be tried for treason and executed"

Mike Huckabee

"Whoever in our government leaked that information is guilty of treason, and I think anything less than execution is too kind a penalty."

And of course, everyone’s favourite conservative mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh chimed in with:

"Back in the old days when men were men and countries were countries, this guy would die of lead poisoning from a bullet in the brain…"

Ah yes, the ‘good old days’. Firstly, have you ever seen a bigger collection of arseholes in one list? Secondly, it’s not treason as Assange isn’t an American citizen. Thirdly, he hasn’t actually done anything illegal. The theft of the documents was by US solider Bradley Manning. It’s the main reason why they are going so overboard on the rape charge.

The whole saga does prove why we need more transparency in government. If every time some secrets leak we have a national scandal, it proves that the government are up to things that they shouldn’t be. The most disappointing factor to come of out of it, is that Obama’s cabinet, who themselves claimed on election:

'Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstone of this presidency'

have only commented on the dangers of Assange and his behaviour, not acknowledging the fact that had they not been so hypocritical in the first place and had carried out their election promises, they wouldn’t be in this mess. Let’s not forget that this is the same government who (as noted on guardian.co.uk) are hosting the World Press Freedom Day 2011, of which the press release states:

New media has empowered citizens around the world to report on their circumstances, express opinions on world events, and exchange information in environments sometimes hostile to such exercises of individuals’ right to freedom of expression. At the same time, we are concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information. We mark events such as World Press Freedom Day in the context of our enduring commitment to support and expand press freedom and the free flow of information in this digital age.

 

Utterly shameless? Or maybe I’m just a naive romantic who expects more from his democratically elected government……

For the record, all the papers extensive ran the wikileaks story as the lead piece, expect for The Sun, where it was kept off the top spot by SAS hit squads at UK malls; a story about the SAS being sent to shopping malls to stop terrorists bothering Christmas shoppers with their, Oh I dunno, terrorisms I guess. The Sun's security advisor Andy McNab says 'smart move…I feel safer', and he should know, he wroteBravo to Zero, which actually gets better with every read (I should add, I’ve have never read this book. Nor do I plan to. Ever).

Anyway, to liven the moods, here’s a reason to make you want to be extradited to Sweden.

Auf Wiedersehen!



In America, it brought you the hamburger. Well America, you know where you can
shove your hamburger. And don’t you wonder, why in Estonia they say ‘Hey you, you big fat pig, you fat pig, you fat pig’.

Morrissey - America is not the world

The Genius of Morrissey (Part 4)

Cyanide & Happiness.

It makes life funny.

Cyanide & Happiness.

It makes life funny.

THE NEWS: Oil and Bicycles are valuable commodities (05/12)

I spend most sundays the same way; drink beer and watch football. Luckily, a lot of people in the world do most interesting things on sunday, and because of that, we have news.

The Guardian continue to document the wikleaks cables. Today concerns leaked Hillary Clinton comments that Saudi Arabia is the 'world's largest source of funds for Islamist militants' and are 'reluctant to stem the flow of money'. What makes these comments particularly controversial is due to Saudi Arabia being The US’ key ally in the Middle East (arguably after Israel). Many have been very critical of their relationship, principally due to Saudi Arabia’s abhorrent human rights record and the reported harboring and funding of terrorists. Despite these concerns, The US has remained tight-lipped due to their dependence on Saudi Oil, and as we all know, when it comes to oil dependence, there is more chance of Hilary Clinton exhuming the body of Biggie Smalls to release a rap-duet with his corpse under the pseudonym ‘Notorious Hil-a-ry,’ than jeopardizing their access to sweet, delicious oil.

The Mail are STILL absolutely FURIOUS that we didn’t get the right to host the World Cup. FIFA clearly didn’t get the memo that ‘England is da bestist country eva’ and should have the right the host everything from the ‘International over 80s female bowls championship’ to ‘paralympic tiddlywinks’. I’m not certain how paralympic tiddlywinks would work, but regardless, any attempt to try should be done on these fair shores.

Their story today concerns Mayor of London Boris Johnson’s decision to retract his invite to FIFA president Sepp Blatter to stay in ‘exclusive £1,000 a night suits at London’s Dorchester Hotel for the 2012 Olympics’.

Skirting round the real issue - in times of a recession, why the f**k are we providing £1,000 a night hotel rooms for people? - they talk at length about how Blatter told Johnson of his abilities to affect the vote, with the offer of the hotel room being ‘part of the charm offensive designed to woo FIFA’. So wait, hold on. England are allowed to bribe FIFA delegates with 5-star suites, but any reports of other countries doing this and IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

Boris’ believes England should host the world cup due to his impeccable record on crime. He states, in an outburst of unbridled levels of casual racism;

Only six bicycles have been stolen since my bikes-for-hire scheme started in London. Light-fingered Frenchmen nicked hundreds when they did the same in Paris. Imagine how many would go missing in Moscow


Bicycles are like crack in Russia. Lord knows what would happen.

The Telegraph have found another bastard politician. You have to respect them for the dedication to their caveat. There are 650 MPs in the country, so expect another good year of this. Today’s scoop concerns Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock, who’s researcher, Katia Zatuliveter, is facing deportation over suspicions she is a Russian spy. In a story that resembles the plot from the shittest James Bond film imaginable (the spy who answered my mail and did my filing?), concerns were raised when she allegedly pushed the MP to ask the Defense Secretary questions including:

Publish a full historical inventory of the UK’s nuclear arsenal

and

An update on the quantities of (a) plutonium and (b) enriched uranium

Privy to this during her masters degree, she wrote a number of reports defending Russian military intervention in Georgia.

Call me old fashioned but, lobbying MPs to ask questions in the House of Commons? Is that what undercover espionage is these days? Can’t we old school it with piranhas, evil bases in volcano shafts and laser beams?

Finally, The Sun! After a couple of days covering what could be argued as ‘newsworthy’ stories, The Sun are back to form with a full cover spread concerning the final of ‘I’m a Celebrity; Get Me out of Here’. It was won by X-Factor finalist and all-round reality TV supremo Stacy Solomon.

I don’t know what to say. I never thought in a million years that anything like this would happen. I had a great time. I’m a wreck

This is part of a number of stories The Sun are running on the show, including the subtly title:

KAYLA: MY BOOBS GREW BIGGER IN THE JUNGLE

I don’t wanna give away too much, but basically Kayla’s boobs grew bigger, erm, in the jungle. There’s very little else to say. I imagine the journalist that covered it thought about all his years on the student paper and his dreams about making a difference in the world, when he submitted this piece on ‘some bird off TV’s jugs’.

Anyway, with The Guardian documenting global cover-ups, The Mail being inconsistent and reactionary, The Telegraph unearthing an MP scandal and The Sun talking TV and tits, it’s good to see the week in newsland finishing how it started.

Here is a picture of a valuable bike.

Goodbye!

Australian Technology at its finest……

Cyanide & Happiness.
It makes life funny.

Cyanide & Happiness.

It makes life funny.

I tried to surprise you with Vodka….or Tizer. I can’t quite remember.

Morrissey - King Leer

The Genius of Morrissey (Part 3)

Likes