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Taken from: Girl next door no more: Coyote Ugly star Piper Perabo is virtually unrecognisable on the red carpet

She made her name as the fresh-faced small-town girl in hit film Coyote Ugly back in 2000.

But these days Piper Perabo is sporting quite a different look.

The 34-year-old appeared at an event in New York on Monday for the USA network looking practically unrecognisable.

The photo in question:

Now, i’m no expert at this, erm, cosmetics stuff. However, is it just me or does she look EXACTLY THE SAME in both photos?

Photo A: Make up, dress, smile

Photo B: No Make up, Jeans, moody

I mean, it’s hardly extreme make-over now is it.

I might do my hair all fancy tomorrow and try and get an exclusive on The Daily Mail website. It could be the start my modeling career needs!

TV Review: Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night (aka society is f**ked)

For more hilarious looks at the weeks’ TV, checking out mine and others’ work at Shouting at Cows. It really is the best non-porn website out there.

I’m into sadomasochism, which is why I watch Channel 4. The crushing pain I feel every time I flick over to its quality programming and wonder ‘How the hell did this get commissioned?’, really puts a smile on my face. But if there’s one thing I enjoy more than Channel 4, it is the comedic talents of Christopher David Moyles. When I heard the two were coming together, I knew I was in for a treat akin to when Margaret Thatcher decided she’d treat the residents of northern English towns to a few decades off work. And did they thank her? Did they hell!

Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night is a celebrity schmooze-fest of epic proportions where ‘the contestants test their knowledge as they take part in all rounds of the quiz and face a specialist question in an area of their own expertise’. It’s like a pub quiz, but instead of beer coming out of the pumps, it’s vomit. And instead of music in the jukebox, it’s vomit. And instead of a dartboard, it’s vomit.

Tonight’s contestants include Jimmy ‘him off the telly’ Carr, Holly ‘her with the tits off This Morning’ Willoughby and Gavin ‘……………….’ Henson. Jimmy Carr describes Henson as ‘looks like an Easy Jet advert’ which is actually quite funny, but the problem with any Jimmy Carr joke is that it has to be prefaced by the fact that you know a mother-in-law gag is always lurking on the horizon. Gavin and Holly do their best ‘aren’t we thick?’ acts, with Chris and Jimmy exercising their rapier wit at every opportunity.

Questions include ‘guess who David Tennant is doing an impression of’ and ‘who is the sexiest politician’. Moylesy uses this TV slot to display his comedic creativity with an utterly appalling sketch entitled ‘Northerners’; a parody of Twilight – but replacing vampires with, well, northerners. In place of the bloodsucking and rituals, the protagonist -played by Moyles – eats a kebab, calls someone a ‘twat’ and speaks in a funny accent.

The show resembles a ‘Chris Moyles variety hour’ with comedy, singing and dancing. He is shit at all of them. They have banter about waxing and what a ‘back, sack and crack is’, and Chris does an impression of a This Morning introduction. Surprise surprise! – it’s pants.

Gavin Henson isn’t considered particularly smart by the panel, so to counteract this, most of his screentime is spent either looking at naked photos of himself or running on a treadmill in the shape of a vinyl disk. ‘Cos he’s buff, innit. One must assume he’s been told to put joke answers down and to play up to this image, as for the question;

‘What are vampires scared of?”

He answered;

‘Rain’

For;

‘If a carnivore eats meat and a herbivore eats plants, who eats both?

his answer;

‘Humans’,

and for:

‘What is the technical term for a bunch of bananas?’

he said

‘I dunno, I just put fingers’

as in ‘a fingers of bananas’. A fingers of bananas?

Holly Willoughby has what are known in some circles as ‘tits’, and Moylesy clearly likes this fact, as her time on screen is spent talking about sex and sex toys, and alongside a video of her eating a banana in a very suggestive way. Jimmy follows this bit of VT with ‘In this day and age, a woman should be able to suck off a banana without fear of innuendo……my mother-in-law does it all the time!’ (I may have made this last bit up).

I’m not trying to sound like a Debbie-downer [ED: I’ve never heard of Debbie-downer before. Maybe she knows Cautious Carol off of the Apprentice] and I know it’s very easy to find faults in something, but so much of this show is depressing. Most importantly, the horrendously lazy production. I mean, Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night? Really? Is the best we can come up with for PRIMETIME TV? You could draw up a template of shows like this, of which 500 could be produced:

Nothing too complicated. Get a good looking girl dressed up for the male viewers, get some muscle bound chap for the ladies, and we’ll get two lads to rip the piss out him and bang on about her cans. Insert them into a quiz/gameshow scenario. Make sure the lookers are proper thick. They are on the show to be looked at and laughed at. The presenter needs to be someone who would be described as a ‘geezer’ or ‘lad’. Preferably a non-threatening looking, rotund gentlemen with a strong interest in football and a history of non-pc outbursts. Someone who wouldn’t look out of place on the Top Gear sofa. James Corden would be default choice, but if busy, try Moyles. 4th person must be a slightly bookish, foppy gentleman who is a ubiquitous presence on TV so the mainstream crowd would have heard of him. Maybe had a column in Nuts magazine under the heading ‘Ask the Prof’. His jokes must also have a slightly repulsive sexual element to them. Imagine a combination of Stephen Fry and Quagmire from Family Guy.

But one really frustrating aspect of the show is the personalities on it. I think I’ve seen Jimmy Carr more often this year than my family. He is on everything. Is he that much of a bankable asset? Then there’s Chris Moyles. The guy is a radio DJ that made his name making fat gags and swearing at people. So now he’s getting gigs doing sketch comedy? When is he starting his nationwide stand-up tour? Is this how it works now, radio being the precursor to comedy? Am I going to see Steve Lamacq’s World Cup Windups and Mayo and Kermode do Sellers and Moore in the coming year? I doubt it.

Thinking about it, I could have just watched something else……

NEWS: Fecal matter hits the freestanding airflow device (07/12)

Apparently having consensual sex in Sweden without a condom is punishable by a term of imprisonment of a minimum of two years for rape. That is the basis for a reinstitution of rape charges against WikiLeaks figurehead Julian Assange that is destined to make Sweden and its justice system the laughing stock of the world and dramatically damage its reputation as a model of modernity….

Sweden’s Public Prosecutor’s Office was embarrassed in August this year when it leaked to the media that it was seeking to arrest Assange for rape, then on the same day withdrew the arrest warrant because in its own words there was “no evidence”. The damage to Assange’s reputation is incalculable. More than three quarters of internet references to his name refer to rape. Now, three months on and three prosecutors later, the Swedes seem to be clear on their basis to proceed. Consensual sex that started out with a condom ended up without one, ergo, the sex was not consensual

Despite the dubious nature of the allegations itself, this also raises concerns about Western hierocracy. We are very quick to deride and lambast Muslim cultures for their views on bigamy and adultery, but because Western governments want this man silenced for a - quite honestly - absurd Swedish law, then all of a sudden our principles of freedom and liberty seem to go out the window.

Despite my opinion, others don’t necessarily agree. Fox News regained their usual dignified neutrality, with such gambits as:

Bill O’Reilly

“Leakers are traitors who should be executed or put in prison for life”

Sarah Palin

“Target WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange like the Taliban”

Glenn Beck

“Assange should be tried for treason and executed”

Mike Huckabee

“Whoever in our government leaked that information is guilty of treason, and I think anything less than execution is too kind a penalty.”

And of course, everyone’s favourite conservative mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh chimed in with:

“Back in the old days when men were men and countries were countries, this guy would die of lead poisoning from a bullet in the brain…”

Ah yes, the ‘good old days’. Firstly, have you ever seen a bigger collection of arseholes in one list? Secondly, it’s not treason as Assange isn’t an American citizen. Thirdly, he hasn’t actually done anything illegal. The theft of the documents was by US solider Bradley Manning. It’s the main reason why they are going so overboard on the rape charge.

The whole saga does prove why we need more transparency in government. If every time some secrets leak we have a national scandal, it proves that the government are up to things that they shouldn’t be. The most disappointing factor to come of out of it, is that Obama’s cabinet, who themselves claimed on election:

‘Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstone of this presidency’

have only commented on the dangers of Assange and his behaviour, not acknowledging the fact that had they not been so hypocritical in the first place and had carried out their election promises, they wouldn’t be in this mess. Let’s not forget that this is the same government who (as noted on guardian.co.uk) are hosting the World Press Freedom Day 2011, of which the press release states:

New media has empowered citizens around the world to report on their circumstances, express opinions on world events, and exchange information in environments sometimes hostile to such exercises of individuals’ right to freedom of expression. At the same time, we are concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information. We mark events such as World Press Freedom Day in the context of our enduring commitment to support and expand press freedom and the free flow of information in this digital age.

THE NEWS: Oil and Bicycles are valuable commodities (05/12)

I spend most sundays the same way; drink beer and watch football. Luckily, a lot of people in the world do most interesting things on sunday, and because of that, we have news.

The Guardian continue to document the wikleaks cables. Today concerns leaked Hillary Clinton comments that Saudi Arabia is the ‘world’s largest source of funds for Islamist militants’ and are ‘reluctant to stem the flow of money’. What makes these comments particularly controversial is due to Saudi Arabia being The US’ key ally in the Middle East (arguably after Israel). Many have been very critical of their relationship, principally due to Saudi Arabia’s abhorrent human rights record and the reported harboring and funding of terrorists. Despite these concerns, The US has remained tight-lipped due to their dependence on Saudi Oil, and as we all know, when it comes to oil dependence, there is more chance of Hilary Clinton exhuming the body of Biggie Smalls to release a rap-duet with his corpse under the pseudonym ‘Notorious Hil-a-ry,’ than jeopardizing their access to sweet, delicious oil.

The Mail are STILL absolutely FURIOUS that we didn’t get the right to host the World Cup. FIFA clearly didn’t get the memo that ‘England is da bestist country eva’ and should have the right the host everything from the ‘International over 80s female bowls championship’ to ‘paralympic tiddlywinks’. I’m not certain how paralympic tiddlywinks would work, but regardless, any attempt to try should be done on these fair shores.

Their story today concerns Mayor of London Boris Johnson’s decision to retract his invite to FIFA president Sepp Blatter to stay in ‘exclusive £1,000 a night suits at London’s Dorchester Hotel for the 2012 Olympics’.

Skirting round the real issue - in times of a recession, why the f**k are we providing £1,000 a night hotel rooms for people? - they talk at length about how Blatter told Johnson of his abilities to affect the vote, with the offer of the hotel room being ‘part of the charm offensive designed to woo FIFA’. So wait, hold on. England are allowed to bribe FIFA delegates with 5-star suites, but any reports of other countries doing this and IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

Boris’ believes England should host the world cup due to his impeccable record on crime. He states, in an outburst of unbridled levels of casual racism;

Only six bicycles have been stolen since my bikes-for-hire scheme started in London. Light-fingered Frenchmen nicked hundreds when they did the same in Paris. Imagine how many would go missing in Moscow

Bicycles are like crack in Russia. Lord knows what would happen.

The Telegraph have found another bastard politician. You have to respect them for the dedication to their caveat. There are 650 MPs in the country, so expect another good year of this. Today’s scoop concerns Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock, who’s researcher, Katia Zatuliveter, is facing deportation over suspicions she is a Russian spy. In a story that resembles the plot from the shittest James Bond film imaginable (the spy who answered my mail and did my filing?), concerns were raised when she allegedly pushed the MP to ask the Defense Secretary questions including:

Publish a full historical inventory of the UK’s nuclear arsenal

and

An update on the quantities of (a) plutonium and (b) enriched uranium

Privy to this during her masters degree, she wrote a number of reports defending Russian military intervention in Georgia.

Call me old fashioned but, lobbying MPs to ask questions in the House of Commons? Is that what undercover espionage is these days? Can’t we old school it with piranhas, evil bases in volcano shafts and laser beams?

Finally, The Sun! After a couple of days covering what could be argued as ‘newsworthy’ stories, The Sun are back to form with a full cover spread concerning the final of ‘I’m a Celebrity; Get Me out of Here’. It was won by X-Factor finalist and all-round reality TV supremo Stacy Solomon.

I don’t know what to say. I never thought in a million years that anything like this would happen. I had a great time. I’m a wreck

This is part of a number of stories The Sun are running on the show, including the subtly title:

KAYLA: MY BOOBS GREW BIGGER IN THE JUNGLE

I don’t wanna give away too much, but basically Kayla’s boobs grew bigger, erm, in the jungle. There’s very little else to say. I imagine the journalist that covered it thought about all his years on the student paper and his dreams about making a difference in the world, when he submitted this piece on ‘some bird off TV’s jugs’.

Anyway, with The Guardian documenting global cover-ups, The Mail being inconsistent and reactionary, The Telegraph unearthing an MP scandal and The Sun talking TV and tits, it’s good to see the week in newsland finishing how it started.

Here is a picture of a valuable bike.

Goodbye!