(For more like this, go to shouting at cows. We bring the news, we bring the funniez. You bring the eyes).
I don’t know if any of you were lucky enough/rich enough/middle-class enough to read yesterday’s Telegraph, but there was the most brilliant article by Binkie West yesterday, where she described the event that us normal folk worry about the most; the finer points of our absurdly ostentatious wedding to an affluent beau we met at our local polo club. She really did manage to encapsulate the population’s qualms with her piece, especially in these times of financial peril. Without people like her, who is going to keep the Pol Roger champagne empire afloat?
It made me think of an event that I too will be experiencing for the first time this year; using public transport.
As a young boy, I had visions of being a public transport passenger with a lovely blond tussle fringe with foppish undertones. A bit like an aryan Hugh Grant. In preparation for this, I booked myself in for a wet trim at Supercuts (www.supercuts.co.uk). I don’t want to look like an utter plum-in-mouth, upper class nitwit, so I’ve gone for something that says to fellow passengers ‘yes, I too am one of the proletariat. I’ll happily spend my weekends drinking pints and watching soccerball on the television’. Getting on a bus you want perfection, and I think a haircut that says ‘public school wanker’ is rather lovely.
On Saturday I attended a ‘Using public transport for the first time’ party. My hair looked rather lovely. They couldn’t believe it was £8.95 without a booking! We went to Wetherspoon’s for their ‘Beer and a Burger’ lunchtime deal. It was great to be there with my brother, who will be accompanying me when I embark on this amazing journey. He has ridden on buses before, so Biffo thought it would be a good idea to call him ‘Dole Daniel’, as he doesn’t own a car. Honestly, first time me and Hugo heard that we chunderd so hard. With many of us using public transport for the first time this year, there really is tube fever about.
All this preparation for being ‘down with the ozlone layer’ was stressful, so to relax I went for a game of laser quest with some friends (www.laserquest.co.uk). A few head shots will make me feel my absolute best on the big day.
This week I also sold my car. D-Cam was talking about how as a country we need to go green, so I sold my little runner (www.autotrader.co.uk). I learnt to walk when I was two and have always been a little tusker, so I’m relishing the experience. In preparation for this green-shift, I’ve imported some eco-friendly radiators in from San Francisco, and installed them at a competitive rate (www.Britishgas.co.uk). I just think it’s criminal how other people don’t care about their environment as much as me, and refuse to import eco-friendly home wares in on gas-guzzling freights.
Having left my job as an assistant regional advertising recruitment consultant executive, I’m relieved to have so much more time on hands. Not only are there appointments to fit in, but there is also the ongoing admin. I have to buy the ticket, pick out my outfit (you don’t want to look pompous, but at the same time you want to make it pertinently clear to other passengers that you have a shitlot more cash than them). There are the various questions to ponder over; do I go free plan with some autumnal layers and a simple cashmere scarf, or do I opt for some knitware to appropriate the ‘boho-chic’ look, metaphorically saying to other passengers ‘yeeeeeah, just taking the bus. It’s how I roll. Might go for a jazz cigarette and pint of beer later as well. Just the crazy shit that a man in knitwear gets up to’. I’m constantly planning different outfits, so this morning I visited my favorite little ‘underground’ clothes shop (www.topman.com) to find something hip and unique to make me stand-out on that communal vessel of hopes and dreams.
When I think of all the friends and relatives that might venture down to experience this with me, it makes me wish that I’d picked a double-decker, or even a Megabus (www.megabus.com)! Having said that, I wouldn’t change my first bus ride on the number 6 (doesn’t go past my house during off-peak times) for the world. I always wanted a small, intimate bus ride for my first sample of public transport, and so far everything is meeting all of my expectations. I can’t wait!