NEWS: Elation and apprehension expressed following Mubarak’s resignation (12/02/2011)

Friday’s protests in Cairo proved to be the final scenes for Hosni Mubarak’s presidency, and his resignation saw the end to of 30 year autocratic rule of Egypt.

The reaction amongst the media, public and politicians was a mixture between joy of apprehension. On the ground, it was a moment of elation for the Egyptian public. Activist and Noble prize winner Mohammed El-Baradi described it as ‘The greatest day of his life’, while Ayman Nour, the only person who ran against Mubarak in the previous rigged election, stated that “This nation has been born again, these people have been born again, and this is a new Egypt,”.

Mubarak’s authoritarian rule was a mixture of fear and external support. He had governed with an iron fist for thirty years, following the assassination of predecessor Anwar Sadat. His presidency established an ‘us v them’ psyche towards the Muslim Brotherhood, which also saw him receive mass amounts of aid from the US, and them turning a blind eye towards the abhorrent human rights abuses during his leadership. He claims his aims were to bring stability to Egypt, though his idea of stability was only accessible through police brutality, corruption and rigged-elections.

Upon his announcement, many went on the attack at Mubarak. MSNBC stated that:

He resisted calls for reform even as public bitterness grew over corruption, deteriorating infrastructure and rampant poverty in a country where 40 percent live below or near the poverty line.

Whilst the Guardian were even more searing in their criticism;

The police state drove many into the hands of extremists. And this, it was often said, was Mubarak’s deliberate policy. The Muslim Brotherhood was useful to him because the threat it represented, which he exaggerated, silenced much western criticism of his human rights abuses. In truth, he was always more afraid of the pro-democracy movement than the Islamists – a fear that proved to be well-founded.

Apprehension following the resignation was two-fold; some feared that the Army would continue to rule with brutality, while others feared that free and fair elections would see Egypt descend into the hands of the Muslim Brotherhood.

The Independent felt that toppling Mubarak may have only been the first step for Egyptian democracy.

There was a note of caution in the background, however, over how far the military under Field Marshal Mohamed Hussein Tantawi, Mubarak’s veteran defence minister, are ready to permit a democracy.

“This is just the end of the beginning,” said Jon Alterman of the Centre for Strategic and International Studies. “Egypt isn’t moving toward democracy, it’s moved into martial law and where it goes is now subject to debate.”

While the army were remained tight-lipped, the Armed Forces Supreme Council reaffirmed that they were committed to moving to country towards a democratic model, stating that they were “to sponsor the legitimate demands of the people and endeavour for their implementation within a defined timetable”.

Now obviously, the fear with simply axing the head of a regime is that the mechanics still remain untouched. What it will depend on is the pressure that The US puts on the Egyptian army following the resignation, considering the aid that the regime is so dependent on. In a statement to the press, President Obama claimed that;

The Egyptian people have made it clear that there is no going back to the way things were: Egypt has changed, and its future is in the hands of the people.

Other world leaders weren’t as positive as Obama. In Israel, where Mubarak had become a key ally for the country, they hoped the resignation “would bring no change to its peaceful relations with Cairo”. The worry, for some, is that a more extreme party would gain power, in a similar vein to the Iranian revolution of 1979. The Telegraph went one further, citing fears that this revolution could lead to calamitous scenes in the wider region.

“The escalating confrontation has raised fear of uncontrolled violence in the most populous Arab nation, a key US ally in an oil-rich region where the chance of chaos spreading to other long stable but repressive states troubles the West.”

Anyone that has studied the region would surely agree that the fears are completely unfounded. This revolution is totally different to the Iranian one of 1979. The Iranian revolution was a pro-Islamic, pro-theocratic, pro-Khomeini, anti-shah and anti-western movement. The Egyptian revolution is pro-democracy. The only thing they have in common is that they are both in the Middle East. If anything, it replicates the 1989 Velvet Revolution in Czech-Republic. I don’t see why they’ll free themselves from one dictator and plunge themselves into another. I cannot see the Muslim Brotherhood (who are only a fringe party anyway) getting into power. It just expresses baseless fears by countries that have no understanding of the area and of its people. Hence why they were so happy to keep a tyrant in charge for so long.

Wherever Egypt goes now remains to be seen. One hopes that the revolution doesn’t get hijacked by a group or political party, and that power does indeed remain with the people.

TV REVIEW: Mary Portas; Secret Shopper (10/02/2011)

Channel 4 seems to have had an alarming shift in its programming. Rather than scripting TV shows on interesting topics and scenarios, their sole commission structure now seems to be based around putting well-known faces into various subject matters that they know nothing about.

Kirstie Allsop in December was showing you how to tart up a Turkey roast, and Jamie Oliver has an impeding show about to air where he prats around a classroom with Alistair Campbell telling you how good school is, because he went to school and now he gets paid shitloads to knock up pukka Caesar Salads.

A series currently being rolled out showcases Mary Portas going undercover to stop you getting ripped off by furniture and mobile-phone salesmen. Portas - when not subliminally promoting companies she has share options in though her various newspaper columns – explores how estate agents don’t exactly tell the whole truth when trying to flog you a bijou studio apartment (next week “fire = hot” and “isn’t it amazing how wet you become when sitting in the bath?”). Now I don’t know about you, but when I’m looking to avoid being shafted by evil property tycoons, I would always look for help from a lady who was made famous by dressing up mannequins.

One estate agent describes a house as on a ‘popular turning’ while other is on a ‘prestigious turning’. Sorry, what? Clearly the turning market is currently all the rage in that there London. You don’t want to buy a house on an ‘arsehole turning’, or else you’ll probably end up with some right shits for neighbours.Portas goes undercover to see agents at work, though her outfit mainly consists of a wig and a funny little bobble hat. Oh, but she takes her novelty sized ring off as well. Wow, Mary, you’re like James fucking Bond with your masterful disguises. The agents, unsurprisingly, are bullshit merchants of the n^th degree, using jargon that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

Another house Portas views undercover is in Hackney. You know, that leafy suburb with all the stabbing and whatnot. Turns out this house was broken into last week and Portas – shit, I’ve blown her cover… this is like the Valerie Plame affair all over again… let’s just call her ‘Lady P’ – asks about the safety of the area.

Estate Agent: Well, it is in East London. It’s not, you know, the safest place in the world.

Yes, basically estate agent speak for ‘yeah it’s Hackney, dear, so you will be mugged and shot within a week…but the master bedroom is  en-suite, and wait look; are those some original features in the kitchen…’

Portas decides that to revolutionise the estate agent business she needs to re-brand a pre-existing firm, and chooses firm Martyn Gerrard to be her prototype. They are populated by the usual Next-suit wearing, spikey haired, reformed chav dullards that tend to populate these establishments, and Phillip who is just about the biggest berk I have ever laid eyes on. His hair spiked in every direction (co-incidentally, it’s the spit of the ‘geek pie’ barnet from Nathan Barley), fake tanned to a point where I’m now not sure what race he is, he looks like he’s been electrocuted in a bathtub of Fanta.

Phillip, it transpires, is actually a minor internet celeb, the organiser of some group called ‘Team Gorgeous’, a group of what one can only assume are comprised of failed lower league footballers and girls deemed too trashy for page 3, that prowl around the shittest night-spots London has to offer. God knows what Phil’s position is in the group, presumably ‘top tit’ or something of a similar ilk. This is a recent post by Phillip himself from their Facebook group;

Last few weeks we have bought a new genre to Valbonne with the xmasLOVE party and the style victims show-off party that was last week – now we get to play the games of champagne drinking fashion conscious love of partying.

Beautiful people
Style victims
The new “in crowd”

The glamorous the gorgeous the beautiful and the el…ite are all partying so now we link the best Saturday to hit London with the sexiest fashion styled crowd ever seen…LIST SHUTS @ 7PM SATURDAY** this is the epitome of London weekend partying and I AM LOVING IT. THIS IS STUDIO VALBONNE.

This, ladies and gentleman, proves that evolution got it wrong.

Judge for yourself:

Agency owner Simon sees no problem with this practice, claiming that ‘everyone else is doing it’, which I believe was a defence used by Nazi war criminals. Portas isn’t happy, so takes the staff to Kenwood House – a stately home in North London – to gives tours to groups of visitors, as you don’t have to be a fool to realise that reeling off a load of arbitrary facts about a mansion that you have no vested interest in is perfect practice for selling a ‘two-up two-down’ around Clapham Common.Phillip’s desk is covered in awards that only he seems to ever have won (won/knocked up in his garage; same thing really) and makes prestigious claims about making £20M for the company last year. Suitably impressed, Mary goes out with Phillip to a viewing, and the guy gives her a lesson in talking bollocks. Making up rubbish about the reason old drawstring light switches haven’t been removed (describing them as Victorian ‘servant bells’), saying the house has another 17 viewings for today; his real high point is when he claims that ‘west-facing is the new south-facing’, meaning that your house won’t overheat in summer as the sun won’t hit the back windows. I mean, you really have to admire someone which such a nominal amount of shame.

To be fair to Portas, Simon’s staff training isn’t much better. His consists of some piss-poor slides that look like they were stolen from a pre-school green cross code presentation, and some woeful buzz-terms like ‘you need to read your customers’. It’s like two bald men fighting over a comb, this.

Portas calls a board meeting with the directors of the agency. Look, she used to tart up mannequins in Harvey Nicks, alright - she knows what she’s talking about. Her idea is a new policy called ‘honesty’, where she wants the agents to be honest and tell the whole facts about the property to the customer. Call me pessimistic, but was she this ‘honest’ when working as a visual-merchandiser for Topshop? ‘These clothes, dear? Yeah, all from sweatshops. India or something. Anything else I can help you with?’. I very much doubt it. Owner Steve tries to claim that you can be a bullshit merchant and still tell the truth.

Steve: But not having a garden can still be a good thing.

Portas: How can it?

Steve: Well, it means you save money as you don’t have to employ a gardener.

Portas:……………………

Quite honestly, you have to admire this guy’s balls. They’re like fucking watermelons.

Portas, in a bid to show that people want to be spoken to honestly, takes the team out to see what the public thinks of their industry lingo. Phillip has come dressed in a fetching blue and orange suit, so either he’s starting to colour co-ordinate his shirts with his skin, or he’s just finished the day shift at Sainsbury’s.

Among the highlights are her asking a man in a café what he thinks ‘superb intercommunicating double aspect reception rooms’ means, and a deli owner if he can make any sense of the term ‘motorway accessible’ (my only assumption is that it means that the house isn’t at sea).

Portas asks the deli owner ‘Would you prefer estate agents to be honest?’ What a brilliant rhetorical question that is. What do you think he’s going to say? ‘Nah, I’d rather they kept on bullshitting me. Makes it more interesting when the front door falls off the hinges after a couple of months. Can I interest you in 400 grams of Brie?’

So, re-educated and re-buffed, Phillip and the team go out researching their ‘for sale’ property. Phillip takes much more interest in the pros of the property, in particular one woman’s very pretty radiator:

‘We got the radiator shipped in from Turkey, then installed it with eco-friendly valves’

Slightly self-defeating, no?

Anyway, clued up with facts, Phillip now sells the house like a dream, reciting every last detail to a potential buyer. The problem that I assume Phillip has in this area is that anyone listening to his spiel must be looking at his face and thinking ‘I’d quite like the downstairs bathroom to be that colour’, and would miss a number of his witticisms.

The new approach proves to be a huge success, and of all the hand-picked people chosen by Channel 4 to be subjected to their new selling methods, 100% thought it was impressive. Hooray!

So, what we’ve all learned is that Mary Portas is the smartest most bestest woman in The UK, and everything she does is perfect and we should make her Queen of England. Next week, she attempts to solve the Israeli-Palestine thingy.

(For more like this by myself and others, head to shouting at cows. ooohh yeah!)

NEWS: Daily Star accused of supporting the English Defence League (EDL); Sorry, weren’t they already? (10.02)

The continuing wave of far-right groups attempting to gain mainstream legitimization continued today with a front-page story on the Daily Star concerning The English Defence League (EDL).

THE English Defence League is set to break into mainstream politics with a bid to get MPs in Parliament.

It wants to field official EDL candidates in national and council elections.

The party’s boss Tommy Robinson said: “We aren’t ruling it out. I think this country needs a party that’s not afraid to say things some would consider unpopular.

“My hope is still that the Tories will take a tougher stance.”

“We are a single issue group and at the moment we would rather have a dialogue with the other political parties – but that could change.”

So in a sense it’s a bit of a non-story; Far-right group with no real interest in turning political making an unsubstantiated threat against the Conservative party. Hardly worth the headline ‘EDL Go Political’. They themselves say that they are not a political party, but are a single issue group. A pressure group if you will. That single issue was outlined by leader Tommy Robinson;

He said the organisation’s main aim was to outlaw the Koran then adapt it to fit in with British society.

He said the only way to do this would be to force Muslims to realise the words of their holy scriptures are outdated.

He said: “They have got a responsibility to sort out their religion. They have to reform their religion so it fits in.”

One key statement that people drew out of the story was a statistic at the foot of the piece which claimed that;So the group is – in their own words – an anti-Muslim pressure group. Call me short-sighted, but I can’t see that going political. At least the BNP had a manifesto with policies (I should add, it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read, blaming – amongst other things – battery farming on immigration. Your guess is as good as mine).

In the Daily Star phone poll yesterday, 98% of readers said they agreed with the EDL’s policies.

This lead many observers to claim that the paper was now supporting the EDL. This was certainly the claim of the more left-wing newspapers. In a column by Roy Greenslade in the Guardian, he questioned the neutrality of the piece.

The story cannot be read as anything other than a cheer-leading, uncritical piece on behalf of the EDL. Triumphalist in tone throughout, it required no between-the-lines deconstruction to grasp its intention – to build support for the group among its readers.

Greensdale cites a long list of flattering EDL articles that have appeared in the Daily Star recently as evidence of a shift in support to the EDL. As well as this, Greensdale states that reaction of EDL members has been incredibly supportive of the article.

The Star’s coverage is manna from heaven for the EDL. Stephen Martin, who wrote on Facebook: “TODAY i sat there with my daily star with PRIDE, the pictures and banners were fair, the write up was fair, the Star comment was fair and 98 per cent back us… We have a voice now, 25p a day, if they have 74,000 new readers, we have a BIGGER voice.”

This worrying approval of EDL supporters towards the article was also reported by Steven Baxter in the New Statesman.

At the time,I looked at the reactionon nationalist and EDL message boards and blogs, and found it was highly positive. One blogger wrote, delightedly, “This is the first article I have read, from both the national and regional media, that hasn’t been critical of the EDL,” and hoped for more in the future. It would seem that wish has been granted.

Undoubtedly, the nature of the response towards the article from supporters has left critics united in the belief that the Daily Star is now supporting the EDL. In the Independent, Ian Burrel’s article also looked at the nature of recent pieces on the EDL, echoing Greensdale’s statements;

A day earlier the newspaper had run a story saying that the EDL would “fight for heroes” and claiming that two Muslim councillors had “snubbed” a soldier by not rising to their feet when he was being given a standing ovation for winning a George Cross.

The EDL boss said that, unlike bumbling BNP leader Nick Griffin, 51, he would be a sure fire hit on the show,” the paper said. The article appeared alongside the Star’s coverage of upheaval in Egypt, a piece that began: “Thousands of illegal immigrants willflee riot-torn Egypt and flood to Britain.”

The worry within left-wing circles is that giving an extremist group a national voice will spread and purport their ideas. Sorry, call me naïve, but how would that make their content any different? The BNP and EDL has constantly been used by right-wing critics and papers as a tool to legitimize them against accusations of racism. ‘I can’t be racist, I hate the BNP’, is a line regularly rolled out by the likes of Richard Littlejohn and Robert Kilroy-Silk. Just being ‘against the BNP’ doesn’t give you immunity from having your comments condemned, or carte-blanche to make race-baiting statements. Regardless of whether or not the Daily Staractively supports the EDL, their content will be the same. It’ll be anti-Muslim stories without cessation; the only difference will be that they won’t have the temerity to claim innocence.

Single: Anna Calvi ‘Breakout’

Words I wrote for the Whiteboard project.

Seriously, check the song out. It’s fantastic.

thewhiteboardproject:

Single: Blackout

Label: Domino

Release: March 21st

Rating: 8.5

 

Exposed to a range of music at a young age, Calvi’s blend of melancholic and atmospheric music saw her earmarked as one of the acts to watch in 2011 in BBC’s ‘Sound of 2011’ shortlist. Considering the success of other acts on the shortlist such as Jessie J, James Blake and The Vaccines, it’s no surprise that 2011 has already been a spectacular year for the Anglo-Italian singer. Her self-titled album was released in January to almost universal praise. Co-produced by PJ Harvey (a woman who was undoubtedly a clear influence on her music) Calvi described it as a ‘culmination of 3 years of work in her parents’ basement’, a reassuring affirmation to all independent and alternative music fans out there that ‘DIY’ is still a prominent and successful form of production. Efficacious promotion and early releases saw Calvi support Interpol in 2010, and support Grinderman by personal request from Nick Cave. I think I speak for everyone when I say; if it’s good enough for Nick Cave and Interpol, it’s good enough for me.

Blackout has a bittersweet quality that seems to teeter between beauty and hopelessness effortlessly. It has a sort of ‘if I don’t laugh I’ll cry’ feel to it, like as if the track could be paraphrased as Anna, post-breakup, simply saying to herself “everything will be alright”. Calvi cites amongst her influences film directors Gus van Sant and David Lynch, and you can certainly feel their associated dark, psychedelic and surrealist themes in her song.

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Today’s Newspapers in 4 Minutes! George Monbiot shows that we’re not all in it together, Assange in court, Richard Littlejohn confuses himself, and Footballer meets Z-list celeb; with sexy consequences! (08/02/2011)

• Come, have a 4 minute education - for free! (Fuck school, this is where it’s at).

George Monbiot’s article in the Guardian caused quite a stir within Twitter and other inconsequential social media outlets. It was about the government being bloody bastards again, this time by cutting taxes of super wealthy business (while the same government claims that they have so little money they are having to cut council jobs, NHS spending and privatise forests. Hmmm…)

If you’ve heard nothing of it, you’re in good company. The obscure adjustments the government is planning to the tax acts of 1988 and 2009 have been missed by almost everyone – and are, anyway, almost impossible to understand without expert help. But as soon as you grasp the implications, you realise that a kind of corporate coup d’etat is taking place.

This has been the main tool of the current coalition; ambiguity. It’s very easy to bemoan a woman on benefits with several children, but high level macro-economic decisions that cost the county BILLIONS; not so easy to dissect, given that some of it is so complicated I’d have more chance with ‘Advanced Japanese’.

Monbiot lays it out clearly:

At the moment tax law ensures that companies based here, with branches in other countries, don’t get taxed twice on the same money. They have to pay only the difference between our rate and that of the other country. If, for example, Dirty Oil plc pays 10% corporation tax on its profits in Oblivia, then shifts the money over here, it should pay a further 18% in the UK, to match our rate of 28%. But under the new proposals, companies will pay nothing at all in this country on money made by their foreign branches.

These new laws would Britain on par with a tax haven like Switzerland. So in a period of austerity when Osbourne, Cameron and that utter sycophant Clegg were making sweeping cuts all over the welfare state, he made sure he kept the biggest cut for corporation tax.

So how did to come to pass, considering it was absent from the manifesto?

You don’t have to look far to find out. Almost all the members of the seven committees the government set up “to provide strategic oversight of the development of corporate tax policy” are corporate executives. Among them are representatives of Vodafone, Tesco, BP, British American Tobacco and several of the major banks: HSBC, Santander, Standard Chartered, Citigroup, Schroders, RBS and Barclays.

So essentially, the lunatics are running the asylum. Brilliant. And let’s not forget that this isn’t the first time that Cameron has let big business decide the rules which bind them. In November, the Guardian reported how the Department of Health was allowing fast-food companies like KFC and Mcdonald’s to write and dictate the government’s policy on obesity.

The groups are dominated by food and alcohol industry members, who have been invited to suggest measures to tackle public health crises. The alcohol responsibility deal network is chaired by the head of the lobby group the Wine and Spirit Trade Association. The food network to tackle diet and health problems includes processed food manufacturers, fast food companies, and Compass, the catering company famously pilloried by Jamie Oliver for its school menus of turkey twizzlers. The food deal’s sub-group on calories is chaired by PepsiCo, owner of Walkers crisps.

You – quite literally – couldn’t make it up. I’d be fuming right now, if I wasn’t so utterly apathetic towards everything. Ooh look, a squirrel…

The Telegraph talks about statements from Julian Assange’s lawyer. He hits out at everything and everyone; the prosecution, the courts, the evidence etc, involved in Assange’s case, basically saying what most have been over the preceding months, that the facts of the Assange case are a bit – let’s just say – ‘suspicious’.

He said: ”In my opinion, having studied the case file, as well as other material I was permitted to inspect but not to take copies or notes of (SMS/text messages from the complainants’ mobile telephones) the case is one of the weakest I have ever seen in my professional career.

”Even leaving to one side evidential problems, I can see from the SMS/text messages, in which the complainants speak of ‘revenge’, obtaining money and speaking about Mr Assange in the press, that they may have a hidden agenda, which casts serious doubt on their accusations and their trustworthiness.”

I think we can safely assume that Assange is entering a ‘not guilty’ plea.  Assange is fighting against being extradited to Sweden for trial; with his lawyer claiming the extradition would be a ‘breach of Human Rights’. More to follow…

The Daily Mail! Guess what? Littlejohn is back! Hooray! What do we get today? PC gone maaad? EU bureaucracy? Gay Muslims in hoodies? No actually he talks about discrimination and how bad it is.

…………………………………..wait, what?

You can hurl the most vile smears at anyone these days, provided you insert the word ‘Tory’.

Take the case of the Conservative MP Paul Maynard, who suffers from cerebral palsy and was cruelly mocked by Labour members in the Commons.

If the lads from Top Gear had insulted Tories instead of Mexicans they would have been hailed as heroes by the Left.

Last week a moderate students’ union leader in Leeds was subjected to a barrage of abuse from demonstrators who called him ‘Tory Jew scum’ — despite him being neither Jewish nor a Conservative.

But like ‘Tory’, ‘Jew’ is now an acceptable insult on the Left. So virulent is their hatred of Israel that all Jews are ­considered fair game.

Ah I see, so rather than it being a story about how ‘we are the world we are the people’ what Littejohn is actually saying is; ‘aren’t left-wingers utter shits!’. Great, I’ll file it under everything-Richard-Littlejohn-has-ever-written, then.

So the man who wrote spare me the’ people’s prostitutes’ routine is joining the PC brigade then? No, not quite. In fact he gets confused at this utter alien position of bemoaning discrimination half way through his piece, and manages to intersect a few ‘Political Correctness gone mad’ anecdotes into it.

In Wiltshire, a health watchdog has had its funding withdrawn because its chairman was overheard referring to ‘jungle drums’ at a ­public meeting in a local scout hut.

Mrs Anna Farquhar, aged 70, was using the expression to describe gossip, in much the same way as others might have said ‘the grapevine’. But she was immediately branded a racist by a humourless fanatic called Sonia Carr, who describes herself as a member of the Wiltshire Racial Equality Council.

But, Richie; I thought we’d turned the corner?

Littlejohn’s article could be paraphrased as ‘don’t say anything against the Conservatives you liberal twats, but everyone else is fair game’, which is about as useful a piece of political rhetoric as me covering my nose in ink and attempting to write a review of ‘The World according to Clarkson’ with my face. i.e not very.

Finally The Sun, where – brace yourselves – a footballer has slept with a Z-List, reality TV celebrity, whilst in relationship with another women.

*Faints through shock*

Claudia Ciardone, 28, who appeared in Argentina’s versions of Big Brother and Dancing on Ice, told the country’s telly show Intrusos: “I was with Carlos Tevez before, during and after the World Cup. Until I realised he was already in a relationship, and so I broke up with him.”

So for all those out there would needed a ‘footballer in infidelity EXLCUSIVE’, here you are.

Have a reconstruction of Julian Assange enjoying a Brandy (brought to you by Bill Hader).

Single Review: Miles Kane ‘Come Closer’

Words I wrote for The Whiteboard project, in which I gave Miles Kane’s new single a bit of a (deserved) kicking.

thewhiteboardproject:

Single: Come Closer

Label: Columbia

Release: 21st February

Rating: 2.5

Most people know Miles Kane as the most famous best friend in music since Andrew Garfield, after he and Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner formed The Last Shadow Puppets. Their album The Age of the Understatement went number 1 in the UK, and it put Miles Kane on the musical map. Kane was then in The Rascals - a Lancastrian, indie 3-piece - and despite a modicum more attention following his sojourn with Turner, The Rascals remained on the fringes of the indie music scene, and Kane decided in August 2009 to leave and go solo.

Come Closer is his debut single as a solo artist. The sound and look of Miles Kane feels like a one-man attempt to bring us a 2010 version of The Beatles. Whimsical indie rock with a modern, dark edge; polished and produced to within an inch of its life. Miles’ only problem is, he’s not The Beatles. The whole song feels like style over substance. Even the video, which takes place in a dimly lit strip club paralleled with some sort of Guy Richie mob skit (and with such an extent of professionalism that it feels like it’s had a large amount of cash thrown at it by Sony) gives the impression that Miles thinks he’s a lot smarter, smother and cooler than he actually is. The song is flat and uninspiring. Simple power-cord rhythm section which sounds like a poor imitation of Beck’s Modern Guilt, with Miles’ very bland and droll lyrics of ‘I guess we’ll see, what might be, woaaaah woaaah’, and my personal favourite ‘you’re a million miles, million miles……away……so come closer’ (This actually may not be a bad lyric, just a very pithy suggestion for overcoming proximity issues). 

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DAILY EXPRESS: Chocolate now heather than fruit! According to the people who make chocolate, that is. (07.02.2011)

You know that pub conversation people have, where they ask each other ‘what would you do if a Genie gave you three wishes?’. Mine have always been the same; go back in time and convince Axl Rose that singing isn’t a viable career choice, someone to explain to me slowly and clearly what David Lynch’s ‘Lost Highway’ was all about, and, I dunno, something gay like world peace. But if someone had suggested to me ‘what about if chocolate becomes healthy?’ I would have strongly thought about knocking the old world peace shtick on the head.

Alas! I now need not to worry!

IT’S what chocoholics have always dreamed of hearing. Scientists have announced that their favourite treat is actually better for them than fruit.

Wow! What a sensation. So all these years that I’ve been thinking that exorbitant amounts of sugar and butter were bad for you, turns out they’re just like a super healthy bag of grapes! 

Researchers have proved that it is packed with more healthy plant compounds and antioxidants gram-for-gram than fruit juice and provides far more nutritional goodness than food experts had previously thought.

So is the new 5 a day now Snickers, Double Decker, Curly Wurly, Wispa and a modestly sized bag of revels? (Except the orange ones of course. You’d have to pick them out).

The discovery means cocoa beans meet the nutritional criteria needed for fruits to be classed as “super fruits”, according to the scientists at the Hershey Center for Health & Nutrition.

……wait hold on. Hershey? Where have I seen that word before.

OH NOES! We’ve been duped! So wait, chocolate people tried to trick us? And, chocolate isn’t actually better for you? And…wait, so internal affairs knew about it the whole time!? (oops sorry, got confused here with this story and the plot to ‘The Departed’. My mistake).

Ok, so is or isn’t chocolate good for you?

It all sounds too good to be true for chocolate lovers – and it is. The findings do not alter the fact that their favourite is high in fat and sugar, meaning dieticians say it should be balanced with less yummy foods such as brown rice and pulses.

Brilliant, so what your saying is that chocolate can only be enjoyed moderately and as part of a healty diet. Any excessive consumption can incure weight and health problems as well as serious conditions such as diabetes. STOP THE PRESS! THE EXPRESS HAVE FOUND AN EXCLUSIVE FUCKING SCOOP!

Oh well. Pass me that banana….

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Best Reader Comment

Don’t forgot some chocolate factories were moved to Poland by Kraft . The first rule of any quality brand is that they do as they promise. Kraft didn’t keep production in Britain so I wont buy it. Kraft don’t care but if we all did it they would.

Yes that’s right; don’t forget that even in a story as stupid, absurd and pointless as this, we still need get a  xenophobic dig in. This is the Daily Express after all.

Sally Bercow’s one-woman attempt to turn herself into Christine Hamilton continues… (04/02/11)

If – like me – you haven’t remotely missed the absence of Christine Hamilton from the news recently, then you’ll be disheartened to find out that Christine-lite Sally Bercow is back with another PR gaff. She’s like that annoying auntie that is desperate to be cool, but everything she does just comes off as a bit embarrassing. Her unwavering obsession with twitter had most shouting ‘grow up and stop speaking in text speak!’, her one foray in politics was a disaster, and now she is back with another blunder. An interview with the Evening Standard this week was published under the title ‘Our bedroom secrets by Sally Bercow - ‘Becoming Speaker has turned my husband into a sex symbol’.

Now let’s get one thing clear. Whether it’s David Mellor and his Chelsea shirt, or Edwina Currie and John Major’s bath-time routine, I speak for every Briton out there when I say that no-one wants to know the bedroom secrets of Conservative MPs. Especially Conservative MPs like John ‘You’re not fucking royalty!’ Bercow. It’s like Sally is on a one woman mission to get on the cover of the latest ‘ultimate cheese party anthems’ CD.

Appearing draped in a white bed-sheet, Sally explains how much of an aphrodisiac a big fuck-off clock is.

“The view from Speaker’s House is incredibly sexy, particularly at night with the moon and the glow from the old gas lamps.

“When John and I were first courting we used to walk along the South Bank and look at the Houses of Parliament. I never realised how sexy I would find living under Big Ben with the bells chiming.”

She may have a point. Flava Flav had his own dating show and the ladies loved him. Clearly timepieces are what woman want.

“Politicians as a breed aren’t particularly sexy but I think politics can be sexy because power is an aphrodisiac,” she said. “Since John became Speaker, the number of women who hit on him has gone up dramatically.

Again, she may have point. Have you seen Eric Pickles since the coalition got into power?

Phwoooooooooooar!

“I don’t get jealous because more men have hit on me, too. I think it’s hilarious that I have been referred to as the Carla Bruni of British politics.”

I’m of the belief that only she has compared herself to Carla Bruni. Let’s see the similarities. Bruni is a successful musician with album “Quelqu’un m’a dit” being a French number 1, spending thirty-four weeks in the top ten and selling over a million copies. She was also a high-fashion model, who has modelled for fashion houses such as ‘Christian Dior, Givenchy, Paco Rabanne, Sonia Rykiel, Christian Lacroix, Karl Lagerfeld, John Galliano, Yves Saint-Laurent,Shiatzy Chen, Chanel and Versace.’ Sally Bercow, on the other hand, was the losing candidate in the 2010 election for the St James ward of Westminster City Council. So you know, pretty similar.

Mrs Bercow has previously infuriated many MPs with outbursts, prompting them to claim she is undermining the Speaker’s office. Shortly before his election to the post, she admitted enjoying binge drinking and one-night stands in her youth. 

This for me is the crux of the issue. Bercow is desperately trying to carve herself out a niche as being ‘down wiv da kidz’. “Yeah I binge drink, yeah I use twitter; god Bush and Thatcher eh? Pfft, what’s that all about!’. The problem is that; you’re not fucking cool, you’re the wife of a politician. You live in the House of Commons. There’s nothing cool about that. You appear in photos draped in a bed-sheet. There’s nothing cool about that. You have new years’ parties with Duffy and Ross Kemp. There’s nothing cool about it. Politicians, as a race, are not cool.

I really wish Bercow et al would stop trying to be all hip, because it just comes across as patronising. Stop thinking that all you need to attract the ‘youf’ vote is tales of drinking, pop-star mates and social media. Young people will just find that embarrassing. I tell you a politician who respected younger people and spoke to them like adults; Tony Benn. And who has a bad word to say about him?

Anyway, let’s just say that the Hamilton’s need to be worried. There’s only room on reality TV for one cringe-worthy political couple.

Great Uses For Your Old Vinyl Records! (03/02/2011)

Hey, remember Vinyl records? No of course not, because you didn’t fight in World War II. Vinyl records, the father medium of music, went from being a slightly cool collector’s item for music fans, to being an unwavering dick-head indicator almost overnight.

‘Hey, you heard the new Arcade Fire CD?’

‘Nahhh sorry, I only listen to Vinyl.’

No. No you fucking don’t. Due to the fact the ‘Shoreditch twat’ has now adopted the Vinyl as the latest fashion item, after carrying around poetry books, gladioli and having allergic reactions to socks, this leaves you in a tough position of having a load of records, and no idea what to do with them.

Here are some revolutionary ways to make great uses of your old 12 inchs (..snigger…)

• Vinyl Curtains

Want to spruce up those boring drapes? Tape a load vinyl together then hang them in your front room. Voilà! It’s the Perfect way to rejuvenate dull decor. The looks on visitors and neighbours will be priceless! What a conversation starter!

‘Wow! Great curtains, I love Elvis!’

‘Me too! Shall we be mates?’

Of course, with anything like this, you may get a few detractors who aren’t on the same artistic level as you. Perhaps consult with your Postman (or Postmanwoman) about their artistic nature, in order to avoid people saying things like;

‘Christ, had to deliver a package to that nutcase family on St Peters Street’

‘Oh god, what have they done now?’

‘They’ve made some drapes out of  T-Pau’s ‘Bridge of Spies’, Mike and the Mechanics’ ‘Beggar on a Beach of Gold’, and a promotional 7inch of Peter Andre’s 90’s Smash hit ‘Flava’’

‘Jeeeesus, I dread to think what’s in their basement.’

‘Human remains, almost defiantly’

EXPERT TIP: BACHELORS; show prospective ladies your softer side by constructing your vinyl curtains out of smooth ballads, like Boyz 2 Men, Marvin Gaye and DJ Jazzy Jeff. She’ll think you’re all deep and thoughtful and DEFINATLY have sex with you. DEFINATLY.

• Indoor Vinyl Hopscotch

But never fear; here’s a fun game for ALL the family! Remember when hopscotch was in fashion? Ah it was a happier time; people respected their elders, no-one had these ‘tattoo’ things, and homosexual men weren’t allowed to show physical intimacy in public. Hopscotch is great fun, and after a few rounds of this bad boy, you’ll find your kids soon forgetting about these ‘sega-saturn’ things.Parents; these days, you can’t let your kids outside. On every corner there are unemployed paedophiles in hoodies trying to bring your house price down. Furthermore, you can’t let kids play these violent video games either. I read a story in the paper the other day about a boy who played one of those, erm, ‘shoot them all up’ games, and ended up stabbing his mother! I can’t remember what the game was, Mario Kart or Roller Coaster Tycoon or something, but the point remains; PlayStation. Is. Evil.

EXPERT TIP: Why not add a twist to a game, by telling your children that for every Neil Diamond record they step on, you’ll shoot a puppy! You’ll soon find they’ll be eager not to ’hop-to-It’!

• Novelty Vinyl Pyramids

The novelty market is THE growing industry in Britain. Whoever thought that the way to make shit things good was to inflate them to 50 times the size, deserves a medal. No sod that, a knighthood. Actually fuck it, tell the Queen to give them the keys to the country and say ‘here you are big-boy, it’s yours. Go mental’.

Take the gherkin for example. Looks like a floppy cock with gangrene, and tastes roughly the same. Yet build a massive office block in the shape of one in central London, and it’ll become the image of the capital and the backdrop of every mawkish shot of the place! Vinyl can do the same for the card pyramid market. A few playing cards stacked up is old hat, but do it with vinyl, and you’ll see people far and wide in awe at your accomplishment.

‘Wow! Yeah my son made one of these out of playing cards the other day. I put my boot through it and told him to stop being such a disappointment to me and his mother. But THIS! It’s like….bigger!’

EXPERT: Here’s a thought, themed pyramids! Make one out of ‘Squeeze’ records, and watch as one of the record’s (one you never thought was that key to the pyramid anyway) ego engulfs the rest of it, before going on to make a repulsively shit pyramid of its own, and arse kissing its way to a prime-time slot on the BBC.

• Vinyl Placemats

Want to spruce up your table settings? Want no longer! Vinyl placemets! Replace your droll placemats with old vinyl to make normal dinner time; FUNKY DINNER TIME! And it doesn’t end there; they are the perfect centrepiece and talking point for dinner parties!

‘Oh wow, I didn’t even realise that Snow brought out ‘Informer’ on 12inch’

‘Yeah, to be honest I think I have the only copy’.

‘Wow, that must be worth a bit.’

‘………quid, probably. It’s ‘Informer’ by Snow for fuck sake. Hardly like a first press of ‘Imagine’ is it?……Tit.’

EXPERT TIP: The selection process is key when deciding which records to use. If your grandma comes round, perhaps don’t pop her plate on top of Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, or anything from Peaches’ back catalogue. You know her heart is dodgy, and if XTC’s ‘Skylarking’ looks her in the face after she slurps down your bland soup, it’ll probably finish her off. Poor thing.

• Vinyl Jenga

Yeah……this one’s a bit shit.

EXPERT TIP:…………………..na, got nothing, sorry. Just buy a Jenga set. What are they, a tenner? Jesus, stop being so tight.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Well I bet your home just got the make-over it needed! Tune in next week when we show you how to insulate your roof with Dan Brown novels, or how to make the perfect dog’s blanket out of Gary Glitter’s ‘Rock and roll part 2’ CD inserts. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(For more like this by myself and others, go to shouting at cows. If you know a better lifestyle advice website on the internet; keep it to yourself)

Today’s Newspapers in 4 minutes! The tabloids talk about Oil and Jordan, while the other papers are concerned about the Middle East…(02/02/11)

Lovely news!

The Guardian continue with their impressive coverage of the Egyptian protests, where Mubarak has announced that he will step-down!…………………………..later……

Egypt’s embattled president, Hosni Mubarak, bowed to the pressure of millions of people massing on the streets, pledging to step down at the next election and pave the way for a new leader of the Arab world’s largest country.

Mubarak said he would not be a candidate for a seventh term but would remain in power to oversee reform and guarantee stability… “In the few months remaining in my current term I will work towards ensuring a peaceful transition of power,” Mubarak said.

“I have exhausted my life in serving Egypt and my people. I will die on the soil of Egypt and be judged by history” – a clear reference to the fate of Tunisia’s president who fled into exile last month.

Quite why Mubarak thought he was in a position to negotiate, considering he has lost support from the US and the Military, I have no idea. It’s a bit like when a drunk is asked politely to leave a bar, only when to respond with ‘I’m alright! I’m alright! Let me just finish my drink and I’ll go!’, before being turfed out.

The US welcomed the comments by Hosni.

But Barack Obama gave an equivocal welcome to the speech by saying that “change must begin now” while praising the “passion and dignity” of the demonstrators in the streets as an inspiration.

Whereas the protestors weren’t so keen

None of them were appeased by Mubarak’s announcement. If anything, they were emboldened to step up their protests and to push their demands further. Many were saying that not only must Mubarak leave immediately but that the whole of his National Democratic party regime had to go and should be put on trial.

“If he’s here until September then so are we,” said Amr Gharbeia, an activist who is camping out in the square.

And neither were the opposition parties

Mubarak ordered his new vice-president and intelligence chief, Omar Suleiman, to begin a dialogue with opposition groups, including the powerful Muslim Brotherhood. “Omar Suleiman approached us, and we have rejected his approaches,” Essam el-Arian, a Brotherhood spokesman, told the Guardian. “As long as Mubarak delays his departure, these protests will remain and they will only get bigger.”

What Mubarak doesn’t seem to realise is that he has NO POWER WHATSOEVER. He’s not in a position to offer terms to the protestors, allies, military, opposition etc. What you have here is a man who has ruled with an Authoritarian fist for 30 years, with no concept whatsoever of people telling him to, essentially, ‘fuck off’.

I give it week before he’s trying to get asylum in Saudi Arabia.

The Telegraph lead with the latest Wikileaks cable which states that there was an aborted 5^th suicide plot on 9/11. The men in this ‘team’ had a last minute change of heart, and instead returned to Doha, Qatar.

The men flew from London to New York on a British Airways flight three weeks before the attacks and allegedly carried out surveillance at the World Trade Centre, the White House and in Virginia, the US state where the Pentagon and CIA headquarters are located.

The Qatari suspects – named as Meshal Alhajri, Fahad Abdulla and Ali Alfehaid - flew back to London on a British Airways flight before returning to Qatar. Their current location is unknown and the FBI have launched a manhunt for them.

This comes as part a number of Wikilieaks cables released concerning Al Qaida, including one about Gordon Brown ordering Pakistani prime minister Asif Ali Zadari to kill Bin Laden.

In December 2009, the former prime minister told Asif Ali Zadari to “take Osama bin Laden out” during a private telephone conversation. Pakistani officials were reportedly “unhappy” with Mr Brown’s aggressive language.

Brown here exercising all his people skills to full effect. He can add Zadari to his hate list, alongside every other person he has held a conversation with.

The Daily Mail headline concerns a story about petrol. Ah I see; how the events in the Middle East will affect the region’s economy? Na, how petrol down the local pumps has gone up a few pence.

The Daily Mail has been exquisitely myopic during the Egyptian/Tunisian protests. Despite a minor story about police brutality in Egypt, most of their coverage and readers concerns has centred around British holidaymakers in Tunis and Cairo, because, you know, forget Egyptians too poor to afford food, some dick pratting around on a fucking lilo in Sharm-el-Sheik is the real cause for concern here.

Fuel retailers are profiteering by refusing to pass on to drivers falls in the price they pay for petrol.

The average wholesale price paid by fuel companies has fallen by 2p since January 11, from 41p to just above 39p.

But prices at the pump have climbed to all-time highs. And in a further slap in the face for British motorists, almost every other European country has seen fuel prices fall.

Yeah! A slap in the face! What about your rights! Etc. As someone who doesn’t drive (I just love those ruddy polar bears so much) I’m not sure about the squeeze this will put on drivers. But I can tell you what riles me up:

The boss of BP warned yesterday that the rising price of oil – which reached $100 a barrel this week because of the political upheaval in Egypt – would only add to the woes of motorists.

Those selfish bloody Egyptians.

To really gauge the response of your average reader, it’s all about the comments section. Noel from Mansfield offers this interesting insight.

Errr, hate to say this, but it has fallen by around 5p per litre in the last week here, down to 121.9 for a litre of unleaded again. And we are still one of the cheapest in Europe for petrol.

Hmm, interesting. So it turns out we’re all getting a bit carried away over nothing? Yeah, that got 80 THUMBS DOWN, whereas Tom from Romford received a whopping 388 THUMBS UP for this gambit:

This is scandalous. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT CAMERON OR YOU OUT NEXT TIME ROUND. We are fed up being ripped off.

Basically, what the Daily Mail readers are saying is ‘DON’T LET FACTS GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A MOAN!’. Which, you know, is nice.

The Sun! The Sun, which these days is essentially a glorified, down-market Radio Times with a few ‘holidays to France for a quid’ deals thrown in , gives top billing to Jordan and her husband’s divorce.

JORDAN will file for divorce from Alex Reid in eight days - on their first anniversary.

Meanwhile the model piled on the agony for Alex by claiming she fell out of love while watching him lose a brutal cage fight.

She told her shocked husband that seeing him get pummelled by champion Tom “Kong” Watson in the five-round bout had made her realise he was not the man for her.

They say love conquers all obstacles. Well it appears that love couldn’t quite conquer Tom “Kong” Watson’s sweet left jab.

Anyway, expect to see ‘Alex Reid: Fighting Back!’ and ‘Katie Price: My Next, Next, Next, Next Chapter’ on ITV3 in the near future.