What Women Don’t Want (18/03/2011)

As a man, I know nothing about women. Men in general have an intrinsic ability to do or say the wrong thing at the wrong time with an eerie sense of regularity. Whether it’s builders telling a passing woman to ‘show us your tits!’; a 16 year old emo carving the name of his desired mate into his arm with a compass; the hipster berk writing a sycophantic, mawkish poem for his sought beau or the toff stock-broker who thinks the way to a woman’s heart is by constructing a condom out of £50 notes, men haven’t got a fucking clue what they’re doing. This leads me to believe that the only way men get dates with women is through pity or by winning them in a raffle. Luckily for us, Shortlist magazine is on hand to show us a fool proof way to convince da ladyez that you’re an upstanding member of society.

Shortlist magazine, which claim to be Europe’s Largest Upmarket Men’s Magazine (I have no idea if it is. It’s given out free in my gym. If I can bothered to lean down a pick it up, it makes its way to my house) have constructed a study where they dispel common myths about what women want in a man, and what the ideal type is for women. To achieve this, they’ve spoken to a rabble of various different girls.

Girl number 1 is the lovely Amy Brateley who states that manic gym-going and grooming makes her uncomfortable. Cripes!

Gleefully eyeing the spa voucher sticking out of my boyfriend’s wallet, I clapped my hands together. “How lovely! Is that for me?”

“It’s for me” he said. “I’ve booked myself a pamper day. I’m going to have a herbal wrap.”

Amy’s brief fling with a closet homosexual/man with most feeble attempt to hide an affair in Britain has put her off pruning males. Her friend feels the same.

“I caught him staring at his six-pack during sex” My friend Rachel told me. “I felt like a rowing machine.”

Or a bike?

Kate Bussmann claims that women are deeply suspicious of men who don’t like sport.

‘It’s just plain weird. And as a result, we start to get suspicious. Did you suffer childhood trauma by being picked last at school?’

Yes, in the eyes of Kate, men who don’t like sport must have suffered some form of Trauma. You know, because it’s not normally. Unlike, say, Top Gear. Top Gear is normal. Men (and people post-lobotomy) should watch that.

‘What, if not sports, do you talk about with other men?’

My brother hates sport, and he claims that when he talks with men of a similar ilk, they simply bang their heads on a nearby wall/table until they are rendered unconscious. You know, because what else are they gonna do? They have fuck all to talk about.

Sali Hughes, 35, (who doesn’t look a day over 22, I may add) claims that she’d much rather date a funny man than rich man. And Sali should know about ideals, she has extensively researched a wide category of men.

I’ve slept with handsome men (a top model and a couple of celebs among them), downright plain men and even a man with one ball, three nipples and a monobrow.

Conclusive research, you must admit.

‘You have to be able to sit in front of the telly and take the piss until Countryfile is the funniest programme I’ve seen in weeks.’

Wait, so she wants someone who’ll spout irrelevant and sneering witticisms about rubbish TV? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!? I also have the regulation number of testicles, eyebrows and nipples (all 2, if you’re interested). We’d be a great match.

Terri White, 31, likes her men to be tough. Grrrr.

‘A straight talking, whisky drinking, suit wearing, traditional chap who’ll grunt his displeasure…men should feel free to be men. Tough, strong and solid as a rock’.

See for me, this description sounds too overtly macho. Like Village People macho. Which, if we’re trying to steer away from health spas and towards football, is probably a bit self-defeating.

Final female-pro is the evergreen Bibi Lynch, 45 years young and of the opinion that it’s women themselves that are ‘commitment phobes’. Yeah, it’s the women that don’t want to commit, not the men. Well this just keeps getting better!

‘Women will say that we don’t want to commit because we like our lives as they are. We enjoy our independence, we want to hold out for a younger prettier model.’

That says one word to me; cougar. And for a man half of Bibi’s age, that’s a definite bonus.

So according to Shortlist’s study, women’s ideal male form is of a slobbish guy who loves watching football, having banter, and is an emotional void who isn’t bothered about commitment. Now call me sceptical, but I find it interesting that a study done by ‘Europe’s Largest Upmarket Men’s Magazine’ ends with a conclusion that the stereotypical ‘man’s man’ will get all the chicks. I’m surprised they didn’t tag an extra simpering gal on at the end, who claims that ‘we just love a man that lets us cook and clean for him!’

So after studying this article, I’m no more clued up on what woman want. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and go on Take Me Out. All they want is a foppish berk in garish boots and a Topman Clubcard. Piece. Of. Piss.