Well it’s finally here! Months of speculation, shameless merchandising and spotting members of the royal family in food culminates on April 29th, when Prince William and Kate Middleton finally tie the knot. But what do we really know about the runners and the riders? Who are we going to look to to provide the laughter? Will anyone make a pass at The Queen? Thankfully for you lot, we at Lost in Trangsressions have produced a guide to let you know who will be doing what, where and why on the big day. Because we are just that nice. And also because we have nothing better to do.
Generally liked by the proletariat and your average commoner, despite showing, on a number of occasions, that he has the capacity to be top toff tit, such as the time he landed a helicopter in his mate’s back garden before going on a stag do. Exceptional levels of twattishness, granted, but generally proved to be one of the more favoured members of the Windsor family, though that is a bit like saying the ‘least offensive member of the BNP’; it’s not a compliment, it’s more a mitigating factor.
Expect a professional job, if a bit low on the funnies. After his speech at the World Cup he showed that he can sound like the textbook example of English gent, whilst at the same time expressing all the comedic finesse of a black and white Romanian period piece about a dilapidated church.
BOOKIES TIP: Turns up in THAT Union Jack waistcoat. – 8/1.
Born into a family who own a successful party accessory mail-order company, Middleton grew up in Berkshire and was privately educated, and is therefore the fucking textbook example of middle class. Despite this, considering that her family don’t own large swathes of Somerset, some members of the Royal Family thought of her in the same notion as one of the guests on a particularly fiery episode of Jeremy Kyle. Think her mother called a serviette a napkin once, and with behaviour like that, I don’t know why anyone would even give her the time of day.
Her and Wills were more on-off than a light switch, but she’s amiably dealt with the media circus surrounding the wedding, proving that she may well have what it takes to visit village fêtes up and down the country (look, I haven’t got a clue what princesses and princes do. Think they unveiled a lifeboat in Wales the other day. Seems a pretty straight forward job).
BOOKIES TIP: Her face to also appear in a flan, beef stroganoff and cheese fondue before the wedding – 2/4
Duke of Edinburgh
This man is the doyenne of gaffs. He has made offending people from all walks of life an art form. Whether it was when he asked a Scottish driving instructor how he “kept the natives off the booze” long enough to get a licence, saying to a student who trekked Papua New Guinea “You managed not to get eaten, then?”, or when he asked an Aborigine in 2002 “Still throwing spears?”, everyone’s got a favourite from his pantheon. If any ethnic minorities at the bash come into contact with Big Phil, expect the cameras to be glued to him in anticipation of another historic PR disaster.
Great value for entertainment, no doubt he’ll spring a few surprises on the big day, such as trying it on with Carole Middleton or taking a leak in the punchbowl.
BOOKIES TIP: – Makes un-PC statement to Nicolas Witchell – BOOKIES ALLREADY PAYING OUT.
Known as the “People’s Prince” because he got pissed in a pub once underage (and it wasn’t even Christmas!), Harry has classically toed the line between ‘rebel without a cause’ and ‘tit’. Getting drunk in a pub; funny. Paying your art teacher to do work for you; funny. Calling a member of his army squadron ‘paki’; not funny. Going to a fancy dress party in a brown shirt and swastika; mind-numbingly offensive.
A loose cannon who’s hard to predict, Hazza’s day could go one of two ways, either rolls up in a ‘Golf sale’ t-shirt to the amusement of millions, or dressed as a member of the Wermacht. He is his own man.
BOOKIES TIP – Ends up in Mahiki at 4am with the 13th in line to the Danish throne – EVENS.
The ‘Big Poppa’ of the Windsor dynasty, The once proud military man now spends most of his time putting his name on pretentious organic food and being some sort of ‘top prize’ on mawkish reality shows. It’s mental; whether it’s Masterchef or Britain’s Got Talent, the top prize is always cook/dance/sing for Prince Charles. How pissed would you be if at the culmination of Masterchef, rather than get a whopping great cheque and gig in a top London restaurant, you just had the Prince of Wales tap you on the shoulder and say ‘The spuds were great but the salmon was fucked. Cheers.’
No stranger to marriage, his wedding was the last big TV deal when he tied the knot with Diana. His second wedding to Camilla wasn’t such a big deal, seeing as most of the country didn’t like her, and for all I know they could have got married in a Vegas chapel.
BOOKIES TIP – Attempts to slip something into the Queen’s champagne to finally get his chance on the throne – [REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS: ALL BETS REFUNDED]
Duchess of York (That’s fergie, to you and me)
It’s being a torrid year for ol’ Sarah Ferguson, irregular finances, mounting legal fees and a News of The World sting that caught her trying to sell access to her ex-Husband, she really has become the laughing stock of the Royal Family. Considering that this Royal Family also contains Prince Phillip, that takes some doing.
Worst of all, she didn’t get an invite, so will be watching this on TV like us paupers. Well, probably not actually, as due to her bankruptcy her TV may well have been repossessed. So there’s a good chance you’ll bump into her during the big day on Tottenham Court Road, watching the ceremony through Dixons’ front window with a small tear slowly trickling down her cheek, clutching the last available VHS of ‘Budgie’.
BOOKIES TIP: Turns up at Westminster Abbey gates, half cut and holding a bottle of gin in one hand and a shotgun in the other – 7/4
Fergie’s ex-husband and another complete tit whose behaviour is like porn to Republicans. Other than befriending convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstien, his actions as UK Trade envoy have been highly criticised, due to him rocking up an eye-watering expenses form.
Last year the prince spent £620,000 as a trade envoy, including £154,000 on hotels, food and hospitality and £465,000 on travel.
Unlike Fergie, his invitation wasn’t ‘lost in the post’, but regardless, he didn’t earn the name ‘Air Miles Andy’ by pissing around in Britain, so he’ll be hoping that the wedding is being screened in whatever 5* Malaysian spa resort he’s staying at this weekend on ‘diplomatic duties’.
BOOKIES TIP: Watches the wedding whilst doing Sambuca shots with Gary Glitter and Jonathan King – 5/1
Well now you’re all clued up on all the ones to look out for on April 29th, let’s hope for the Daily Mail’s sake it’s a great day, or else they’ll have nothing to write about for the next year and have to go back to rehashing stories about immigrants eating swans. And we don’t want that.
CHAMPAGNE ALL ROUND!